Augusta has Wood(s): Tiger to play with his golf balls for a change

For the third time today, some seemingly sapient citizen has solicited my views on Tiger Woods. 

It seems that Tom Cat, oops, I mean Tiger, shall seek redemption for several-score sins involving cocktail waitresses, among others, by participating in the Masters Golf Tournament played – if that’s the right word for an activity that generates millions, if not billions in revenue – at the Augusta National Golf Club. The announcement comes in the wake of Mr. Woods’s ‘graduation’ from a ‘sex addition’ cure.

AT LARGE is a font of knowledge on many, perhaps all subjects and rarely leaves home without prepared bon mots on a rich variety of causes célèbre lest the ravenous media pack, casual passersby or, especially, cocktail waitresses solicit my comments on the events that alter and illuminate our times. 

But I don’t give a good God-damn about golf!

It is a silly, frustrating activity. Why? Because taking more than 18 shots on 18 holes can be regarded as subpar even if you finish below par.  So much like a visit to a casino or an argument with a spouse, a round of golf always ends in failure. 

Even worse, golf involves fresh air, which has been scientifically proven to hasten aging.  It is conducted outside, where one can catch a cold, perspire, muddy up one’s costume, be bitten by ticks, cross paths with rabid animals or get leaves in one’s hair.  Since Lucky Strike stopped sponsoring tournaments, you probably can’t even smoke on golf courses anymore.  Not AT LARGE’s cup of tea!

A while back, friend and noted feminist Martha Burk took offense because the Masters Augusta National venue doesn’t allow women to join the club, which, one could argue, is none of her business; however, most of the big buck membership fees for hard driving corporate types is tax-deductable, meaning less lucre for the government to spend on, say, killing our foreign enemies, bailing out too-big-to-fail banks and hiring school teachers.  That, arguably, is her business and — assuming we pay taxes — our  business, too! And in fairness, if women can fight in Iraqi deserts, why can’t they play in Augusta sand traps?

Just before the conversation, I had suffered severe brain damage flying in first class next to a duffer who told me in agonizing detail about each shot in his most recent 2,000 rounds of golf. I prayed for a hijacking before mercifully sinking into an all-but irreversible coma.  With this horrific experience fresh, I tried to persuade Ms Burk that all-male clubs like Augusta National, the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility and the National Football League were necessary as a means of insolating rich golfers in plaid trousers, terrorists and violence-prone individuals from, well, me — not to mention The Little Ladies.

Surprisingly, she didn’t listen and annual protests over the Masters have become a rite of spring.

Surprised that Tiger Woods picked the ‘no women need apply’ Augusta National for his post-sex addiction therapy coming-out party?  It actually makes sense: Do you want to loose a recovering sex-aholic brandishing his driver and on his first outing at, say, a cocktail waitress convention? Sounds like a recipe for disaster!

That said, I am mystified by TW’s original sin:  If the world’s third richest man can’t relax and unwind a bit at the 19th hole, like why bother?  (Same comment on recent history: Why go through the travails of getting elected president of the U.S. if you can’t tryst with Miss America?  Or run for congress if you’re denied tickle parties with ‘single male staffers’ (the media’s word, not mine!)?

(For the record: AT LARGE  only dallies alone or with the missus! If I erred in this department – in the words of former House Majority Leader Dick Armey – ‘The last words I would hear on this earth would be my wife asking, ‘How do you reload this thing?’”)

Not to say Tiger hasn’t paid dearly for driving into the marital and PR rough: He’s lost endorsements valued at millions, tho last I heard, Gillette was sticking with the Woodsman. (It was a close shave, but I guess they like folks who live on the razor’s edge.)

Since every time Tiger swings his stick, it pumps millions into his pocket and the economy, I think he’ll be all right.  But if worst comes to worst and he’s down to his last $10 million, TW can always sell himself in Asia.

Tiger part are very popular as aphrodisiacs in those climes and whatever else you say, Tiger’s parts have plenty of endorsements!


6 Responses to “Augusta has Wood(s): Tiger to play with his golf balls for a change”

  1. 1 Cornwell
    March 18, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Ah! But I am a golfer, or at least was when I was in favor of the high priced lobbyist with a membership at Congressional, et al. In what promises to be the single largest TV viewing crowd in PGA history – nay – sports history, I will be one of millions tuning into the four day extravaganza for every “lip licking putt hanging, sand trapping, shot finessing moment”. P.S. The outdoors isn’t that bad. Smoking is allowable and delectable young ladies drive the beverage cart…Sorry, Tiger!

  2. March 18, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    David Cornwell is one of nature’s princes; one can only assume that his infatuation with golfing is his protection againt the fate of ‘the last perfect man’– you know what they did to him!

    One can only hope that David will share with the multitudes, well small multitudes, that follow these pages the tale of a golfing incident involving his good self and ex-Vice President Dan Quayle (how soon we forget!)that nearly involved secret service activity.

  3. 3 Bob Smiley
    March 18, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Golf is indeed a sport that only a few can play, or should play.
    Mr. Woods is where he is and will be there for a while.
    So let him play golf, and the rest of us can carouse with the women.
    What say ye?

  4. 5 Daniel
    March 22, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Pressure, Privilege, and Power…they make a sane man do ill-advised things. He’ll be fine after the storm, but he’s going to deal with some heckling that will make Fuzzy Zoeller’s 1997 “Fried Chicken in the Clubhouse” comment seem like a sincere compliment. (I thought Fuzzy could be the guy behind the Wal-Mart PA System outrage until they arrested the 16-year-old over the weekend.) I’d be interested to read AT LARGE’S thoughts about that incident, by the way, in what promises to be an otherwise slow news week, discounting furor over Health Care.

    Thanks again! This subscription is worth the price!

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Jared Cameron

It is better to smoke a single candle that to curse the darkness

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